Pride

It's something you want, but not too much. It's something you need, without it we have no drive to succeed. It's something that is passed down, whether right or wrong! It's also trans-formative, depending on what you do with it.

I have always, for years I have prided myself in being my father's son. The principles he instilled in us as kids are things I carry now. For a while though I had my doubts about him and his principles and myself. I'll take a minute and tell you why.

My dad Roger was the second of four children born to Oscar and Mary "Lynn", his parents, my grandparents separated when he was about 4 years old. As a young man in the military Grandpa Oscar later said that he didn't know what he wanted in life, he just knew that it wasn't Grandma Lynn! At the time I thought I understood that. It wasn't till much later in life that I really understood what Grandpa meant. My grandmother as it turns out was a lying and at times vindictive woman. That my Dad although broken and flawed was a good man and that he was even distantly related to my grandmother is hard to fathom...

For years my father wallowed in the damage that was caused by and brought upon him by his mother and others. To dull the pain that was his life he turned to drugs and alcohol. Let me just say this to all the non-addicts (those of us that don't feel the need to get high) you don't realize how far away the drinks or the drugs make all of your problems seem until you get really drunk or high. No matter how drunk or high you get though you always come back to who you are and your problems are still there and cause you been drinking to get away from your old problems new ones problems have come up...

Dad ran through that cycle over and over again for over thirty-five years. It started with smoking cigarettes, then it progressed to alcohol, once that stopped working to numb the pain I think my dad started using speed. I say "I think" that because I recall times when my dad was a superman or a madman. Little did I realize he thought he was superman too. Working for days on end, not sleeping, but then when he did sleep he was gone, crashed out, and there was nothing you could do to wake him. Then there was that time when I was 12 and my dad drove across country from Western Pennsylvania to San Francisco with no sleep, 3 1/2 days with no sleep! Chain smoking while mom was asleep, telling us that the cold window from the blizzard we were driving through was keeping him awake.

Later in life when we got back to the West Coast Dad found crack! Crack cocaine! The scourge of the inner city found place in our little flat in Daly City. No doubt Dad got it somewhere in The City or Oakland, but he never did drugs around us so how did I know? Later in life I realized how my dad knew all he did about drugs. I would be helping Dad cleaning out apartments before we painted them and we would come across socket drivers with bits of steel wool in them. My dad knew these were quick cheap crack pipes! There weren't shows like "Intervention" back then. You couldn't turn on the TV and see what the drug life was like. And yet my dad knew!!! He also knew enough to protect us! He never wanted us to turn out like him...

That is where the pride came in. Dad knew that no matter how bad a person he was he was never going to let us be worse than him. I know that sounds strange but he knew our upbringing could never be as bad as his, and at the same time his bad example would or should persuade us to avoid following the same path he did. He knew we were never emotionally abused by a parent, sexually abused by 'friends', or told we were abandoned by our father. We weren't raised in a world where we were told that "black folks need to know their place" or that "we were stupid and never going to amount to much!" We all had laughing loving personalities that weren't stifled, " because children should be seen and NOT heard!" And above all we were never fooled into believing that we would not, or could not change. My Dad was all of those things. And yet he knew we didn't have to be.

My Dad did his best to protect us from becoming just like him! That is not to say my Mom didn't do it... But in hindsight I knew that Mom was making an efforts to be a better person, Dad on the other hand thought he was just fine the way he was. After all was said and done Dad spent years on drugs. When I was 17 he left to go do drugs without the accountability of a family. Over the next couple of years Dad went back and forth between trying rehab and living in the parking garage beneath our apartment. From 17 to about 20 when I did see him and despite the fact that Mom had let Dad back in the house and yet I still didn't speak to my him. Finally after two and a half years Dad hit "rock bottom" and stuck with rehab, he pulled himself up by his bootstraps and stayed clean and sober. Over the course of the next couple of years he became a practicing Christian and he kept clean. On December 9, 1992 after a brain aneurysm Dad died.

It is coming up on 20 years since Dad left our family, with every day that passes I realize how much I hate what he did to us, and yet I am thankful for all he did for us! Because of him I was raised to stick to my principles and everyday I do that I take pride in being Roger Jr. Because of him I remember everyday to tell my wife I love her, I don't want to miss that chance the way I did with Dad. Because of him I know my serious flaws are not too difficult to overcome, and I know that I can't overcome those flaws alone. Because of him I know how to be there for somebody whenever they need you, there are times that you can't always be there, and there are times when you have to choose not to be there. Because of him I learned that you didn't have to be the biggest or the toughest or even the meanest, you just had to believe that what I was doing was right. I learned that you should never start a fight but if one finds you, you better finish it. 

Despite what I might think about my Grandma Lynn, she did love Dad. To deny that would be like denying my Dad's love for my brother, sister, or myself. And I knew that Dad loved Grandma. I used to watch him, clean up her house, because she just didn't care how dirty it got, I watched him hide her cigarettes because if he didn't she had no reason to get up. I watched them argue back and forth because Grandma would do just the bare minimum to get by. And just like I do not and will never doubt his love for her, I will never doubt his love for us, his family! To this day I carry the pride of knowing he did his best to care for us and he did so with the knowledge that each of us had a chance to be different. We just had to take that same leap that he did and choose to be different!

Quality Seafood

It's more than just a motto! It is a place, a place that we found out about from my brother Brennan, well it's a fish-monger/restaurant in Redondo Beach. And it is a place that I can't describe in 140 characters or less!

Over the last year or so we have had a number of things here. What I will remember the most is my first experience with fresh uni. Sea urchin wasn't something that was on my bucket list of foods to try! Now I look out for it on menus.

The taste is not easy to describe, I guess the best way is, creamy and briny, with pillow-y type of texture. For a minute the briny-ness reminds you it came from the ocean, then just as that realization comes over you find yourself wondering where the creamy softness in your mouth came from.

It's not fishy, not at all what I expected, at the same time when it is fresh and you look down into that broken shell, you see the spines still moving, you expect a slimy texture. Not even!

It is funny what you bond over. Food is one of the best glues there is!

Since that visit I will say I have gone back to the standards that brought me to Quality Seafood in the first place. Fresh oysters, crab legs, and shrimp!

Fresh oysters, 5 minutes before this pic was taken,
well you the picture...

Each area of the shop has it's regular workers and as in most places you find people you like and some you don't, but the last couple times we have gone I couldn't complain about the service if I wanted to. The guys shucking the clams and the oysters usually do a good job keeping the shells out, sometimes because the shells are so fragile it's impossible. I have really enjoyed the Blue Point and Malispina oysters the last couple visits. Blue Points have thicker shells so they don't break so easy when they are shucked.

On the other side of the shop they have all sorts of seafood salads, ceviche, poke', campechana. In addition they will grill or deep fry your fish right after they scale and gut it for you. Plus this is where you get the Cajun Style shrimp with vegetables and bread. I could get this dish every time, my wife actually does!

Take that bread and dredge it through the sauce.
That's how you know you have a meal!

Every meal here has been an experience, you might go in the summer and have to muscle your way to the different areas of the shop. You might go in the "cold" of winter and get the gratitude of a bunch of cold fish mongers. It might be the first time you take a couple of friends that will want to know every time you plan on going!

Before I forget, between the bars and sushi joints you are going to see this sign.

This is not an exaggeration!

Don't pass it up! Save some room, after your meal go have some churros. It was the best dessert that I have had in some time! Oh and don't forget the caramel sauce... the best 50 cents I ever spent!!!

After this goes up I'm going to feel bad for a minute! I hate to let anyone in on a place like this, but there aren't too many places like this around anymore! It's the kind of place I will go for the rest of my life!

Duck prosciutto 4.0

This week I started to cure some more duck prosciutto. This project is something I could do over and over again... And it's something I will do. Over the course of the next couple of days I will keep posting my progress. For today I have done the cure! The recipe is as follows:

1 TBSP of pink salt
1 cup of salt
4 TBSP peppercorns
16 allspice berries
1tsp mustard seeds
1/2 tsp orange peel
1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 whole duck breasts (about 1 1/2 lbs)

At this stage you need to see whether the duck breast needs to be cut or kept whole. If the breasts are a good size you can cut the whole breasts into two pieces and cure them separately. If you keep the breast whole you need to make sure all the nooks and crannies are coated in just the pink salt.

The peppercorns allspice and mustard seeds all need to be toasted in order to bloom the oils and flavors. Let the spices cool and then grind to fairly coarse grind. Then you mix your orange peels and freshly ground nutmeg along with the salt and your freshly ground spices together. Liberally coat all of your duck breast with the salt rub (if you have the whole breast don't forget to coat the whole breast) and place in a zip lock bag. Once you have done that you can pour the rest of the salt cure over the breasts and distribute that throughout the bag! Let the bag sit in a bowl or on a plate to avoid cross-contamination in case of a leak.

For the next 24 to 48 hours that can sit in the fridge.
(Here endeth part 1 of the recipe)

So just some notes on the finer points:
1. Pink salt (sodium nitrate) can be bought online or at a butcher supply. I bought mine on Amazon.com. I little bit goes a long ways. More does not mean better but you do want to coat the meat entirely.

2. The duck breast I buy are free range and I get them at Whole Foods and Bristol Farms, the only thing is you need to get them as fresh as possible and use then as soon as possible.

3. The spices can be whatever you want. I tend towards warmer spices. Cardamom cloves and allspice are my favorites. They come through in the duck when the cure is complete.

4. Thanks to Michael Ruhlman for his book Charcuterie!

Next post wrapping trussing and hanging!